THE MISSING FATHERS By Aranya Bhagat

I have been fortunate to grow up with loving parents. Not everyone I have encountered has been as lucky. A broken marriage is rarely a single moment, especially for children who grew up in such families; for them, it’s a slow shift in tone, routines, and how home feels. 

The conflict between parents usually starts with arguments behind closed doors, soon after they stop attending school functions and then come the justifications to part ways: “We just need some time apart”, or “It’s better this way”. More often than not, the children experience confusion; they wonder if something they did caused the change in their parents’ relationship, this takes the form of guilt and leads to a blame game. 

People get to know. There’s the awkwardness of answering questions about their parents at school, the balancing act of divided holidays. The silent comparisons to families that still seem whole. Over time, children adapt to this new reality, which changes them in some measure, alters their views of love and commitment, and leaves an indelible impact, often making them cautious and guarded. Even when things stabilise, the sense of losing a complete family lingers quietly in the background. 

My friends, Devesh and Akash (names changed to maintain anonymity), like me, have just entered adulthood. They are both children of a broken marriage. 

I have known Devesh for many years; he’s a tall, slim young man with a dusky complexion, he is blessed with a calm demeanour and prefers to keep to himself. His short hair and rounded face make him endearing. I mention his looks in detail, not because this is his matrimonial advertisement, but to point out the striking resemblance he shares with his father, whom I have seen.

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Growing up in a broken family, my friends., have had a profound effect on their life; the exact nature of it is anyone’s guess. The ominous presence of the absence of their fathers is still felt despite them having admirable father figures in their lives.

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Devesh’s parents were together until he was six years old. One night, without any explanation, his mother moved out with him and his younger brother and shifted to her father’s place. He initially believed the move happened due to his grandfather's ailing health and was happy to spend time with him. The divorce became apparent to him only after a year or two when his father remarried. 

As Devesh grew up, his animosity towards his father bubbled, for he blamed him for his shattered family. The ridicule he faced in school and the unsolicited sympathies from extended family only worsened his resentment. He continued to live with his mother, and now that he is an adult, he understands that the divorce was the best option. Thankfully, over the years, both parents have done well for themselves. His father remarried and has a daughter, with whom Devesh is close.

Devesh found a father figure in his mausa (his mother’s sister’s husband). He played sports with him, helped him in his studies, and provided emotional support–he was there for him when he needed him most, which was right after the divorce. 

As an adult, Devesh respects his father and holds no grudge against him; he and his brother meet him regularly, mostly on weekends, wherein they have a good conversation about everything under the sun. They also look forward to meeting their half-sister.  

Now, instead of blaming his parents, he blames the institution of marriage. His parents got married right after college, which he believes was far too young. This was an immature decision, for they were not ready for it. The love between them soon turned into resentment. Devesh hopes not to make the same mistake. 

Now let’s talk about Akash–an outgoing person, with an even more outgrowing waistline. He carries himself with confidence and has been a friend of mine for close to a decade. He never mentioned his parents' broken marriage until I explicitly asked him a few years ago while visiting his home: “Why is your father never around?” 

Akash's parents divorced when he was only a year old, so he has no memory of his father or the days leading up to the divorce. He learned much later that the divorce itself went about relatively peacefully. The perception he holds about his father was mainly painted by his mother, who told him about the instances of psychological abuse inflicted by him and that he was manipulative and controlling. As a result, she was left with no option but to go through with the divorce. 

In Junior school, Akash harboured great resentment targeted at his father, which was actualised in the form of physically and verbally bullying other children. However, as he grew older, he understood what caused his brashness and even tried to make amends to those whom he thought he had wronged by apologising. In senior school, a reformed Akash became much more sociable.

Akash's father figure was his Nana (mother's father), who empathised with his resentment and taught him how to channel negative thoughts into positive action. He feels, one parent is enough for a child's healthy development. In his case, the said parent was his mother.

Akash is critical to the concept of arranged marriage, for it emphasises the interests of the families of the two parties rather than the couple. In his opinion, since there is no prior connection between the husband and wife in arranged marriages, conflicts of interest and beliefs emerge more easily. 

Akash's father remains an enigma to him. He has no idea what he looks like as he's never seen even a picture of him. He has, however, felt the strong presence of his father's absence in his life. Besides a few phone conversations, Akash's father has had little to no interactions with him. He has also never contributed to paying for his education. Despite this, Akash holds no ill will, but is disheartened that he barely knows his father and wishes they could meet at least once to experience who he really is beyond stories and tales.

The perception of single mothers in society is overwhelmingly negative. In normative terms, children of single mothers are perceived differently. The mother gets blamed for every mistake their child makes and even for their broken family. 

Devesh's brother once broke a plate by mistake at a house party. Later, he overheard the host blaming his mother for not raising him well. Single mothers also have a hard time getting back into work after the divorce. It is not easy for them to make ends meet, and they face a lot of challenges balancing their family and work life. 

I feel for my friends. Growing up in a broken family has had a profound effect on their life; the exact nature of it is anyone’s guess. The ominous presence of the absence of their fathers is still felt despite them having admirable father figures in their lives. All said and done, I have a strong feeling that they will grow up to become good fathers.